Dealing With Oppositional Defiant Behaviors
As your child reaches their second year in life they’ll begin to develop a view of themselves as separate and independent from you. This is mostly due to toddlers having gained control over their physical movements. Your toddler can now pull away from you and explore things that were formerly out of reach.
Toddlers start to realize that they can take care of some of their own needs, such as eating and drinking without your assistance. This leads to your toddler exploring and discovering new things. As they try new skills and practice being more independent from you, you’ll find that your toddler may express both happy and scared feelings about this newfound freedom.
You’ll recognize this ambivalence as your toddler handles one situation without problems but breaks down trying to do something else. Your toddler will need to reconnect with you, having guidance and appropriate responses during their times of fear or frustration as they try to navigate their world more independently.
You may notice that your toddler is more defiant and frustrated when they’re tired, hungry, excited, or ill. During these situations, your toddler wavers between wanting to be independent and separate from you but also dependent on you and cared for, supported, and connected. This can be a very confusing time for you and your toddler.
We have outlined the stages of attachments, parent's role and how you can deal with toddler's separation anxiety to help you in these situations. See Separation and Stranger Anxiety for Babies
Even though your toddler is developing a sense of independence separate from you, they haven’t developed the ability to control their impulses, wait, or predict the consequences of their behavior. Since this is confusing for your toddlers, they can get upset when you try to control their impulses or ask them to wait. Your toddler will get upset when you try to apply consequences for poor decisions and behavior, too.
The result of your toddler being upset about the consequences or you attempting to deter their impulses can result in a meltdown that’s similar to the temper tantrums you’ve seen in the earlier years of childhood. This opposition from your toddler can get very intense and emotional which is upsetting to both your toddler and you.
Understanding your toddler’s emotions, anxiety or depression is also crucial during these times. Learn more about the type of anxiety and depression, their symptoms and how to help your toddler deal with these emotions. See her Peake Academy Parent Advisor blog.
Psychologists will tell you that this is a universal and crucial stage for toddler development. This situation happens to all toddlers and parents everywhere who have lived to tell the stories from the opposition defiant behaviors that occurred during this stage of childhood. Even though this is normal, there are some things you can do to help your toddler develop the psychological and emotional skills they need to move on.
Stanley Greenspan, M.D., author of First Feelings: Milestones in the Emotional Development of Your Baby and Child says toddlers need three things to get through this stage.
Lots of Love
As your sweet infant becomes independent and separate, your feelings as a parent may begin to change. Love, support for appropriate behavior, and empathy when children lose control are crucial for children in this stage.
Be empathetic.
Understand and accept the feelings your child has even when you don’t intend to give in to him/her. “I know you don’t want to stop playing – you’re having such a good time.” “I know you’re upset. We’ll be home soon. It’s hard to sit still for so long.” “It’s upsetting when you have to wait. Let’s cuddle while we wait.” Statements like these tell your toddler that you understand how he or she feels.
Opportunity to be in Control
When you think about it, your toddler has little control over their life. You decide when your toddler gets up when they eat, what they wear when they nap, and what food goes on their plates. You should work hard to find ways your toddler can experience control.
Let him/her choose a big bowl for cereal or a little bowl; white or red socks; milk or juice. Allowing toddlers to make appropriate personal decisions empowers them to practice control in positive ways. Often, having positive experiences with control will diminish your toddler’s need to express resistant behaviors.
Set Limits
The third part of helping correct oppositional defiant behaviors in your toddler is to set some limits. Without limits, your toddler isn’t sure of where the safe space for exploration starts and stops. Because your toddler is still unable to manage without your support and protection, a lack of limits feels like being physically and emotionally abandoned. Limits on behavior during this stage are crucial to helping your toddler feel competent about separation and independence.
On the other hand, much of what toddlers do is on the edge. You may feel that you are constantly limiting your toddler’s behavior. Good advice at this stage is to make a few non-negotiable rules and use a lot of redirection, distraction, and ignoring of behavior that isn’t related to the few important rules. Otherwise, you will feel like you are correcting your toddler all the time.
What Parents Can Do to Minimize Oppositional Behavior
Be Realistic
Most oppositional behavior emerges when parents expect toddlers to handle situations that are beyond their ability. Having realistic expectations for your toddler is crucial.
Change the Environment
Tables and chairs look very much like climbing structures, and doors are there to be opened. Things that cause action or reaction are fascinating to your toddler. Rather than deal with the constant limit setting, change the environment. Put safety latches on doors that need them. Put the remote control out of the toddler’s reach.
Create an acceptable place to climb.
Any effort you put into this approach will make the life of your toddler calmer and less combative.
Keep Your Feelings Under Control
Do your best to focus on your toddler’s behavior rather than how you feel about it. Give your toddler information to act on rather than an emotional cue to resist. Comments like “Your feet make noise when you tap them on the back of the car seat” instead of “You are driving me crazy with that kicking” help your toddler focus on his/her behavior, not your reaction
Tell Your Toddler What to Do
Remember that your toddler is trying to feel competent and independent. “No” and “Don’t” only tell him or her that she/he has failed.
Here are a few examples of how you can transform a negative statement into a positive statement to reduce oppositional defiant behaviors in toddlers:
Lastly, remember to be patient. This is a developmental stage for your toddler. It is part of becoming a competent, independent three-year-old. Viewed this way, your toddler’s stretch for independence and autonomy will give way to increasing skills and abilities and a view of the world that says “I can do it!”
If you’re struggling with this stage in parenthood and want more advice, please read more blogs at Peake Academy and Play Boutique websites or join our Parent Advisor private Facebook group.
Thank you for reading this blog and we hope you find it helpful on your parenting journey.
Dealing with Opposotional and Defiant Behaviors is surely rough and a very confusing time especially when toddlers are just about to develop a way to express their emotions. We created this Amazing Printable Cards of Positivity and Gratitude cards to help your children better express their feelings when they may be upset or are having a difficult time controlling their emotions.
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