Separation and Stranger Anxiety for Babies
Separation and stranger anxiety can present an alarming change for parents because the baby can be happy and calm one day and quite disturbed the next. Like many other big changes during your baby’s development, separation and stranger anxiety is normal.
The following chart outlines the stage of attachment, the parent’s role, and the preschool teacher’s role.
Stage 1 – Respond Promptly to Cries
Babies respond to most caring adults if their needs are met promptly; crying normally persists for a few moments even after babies get a response as they adapt to the change in state.
You’ll first begin to differentiate what cries mean, so you can modify your response to the needs of the baby. Hold your baby, cuddle with him/her, play with fingers and toes, and talk and sing as you diaper, nurse, and care for the baby. Gaze in your baby’s eyes, and talk to him/her.
As a parent, you’ll need to understand what parents know about their babies and keep information about changes current. Be aware of each baby’s individual schedule.
Spend time holding, cuddling, and talking with babies. You can gaze into babies’ eyes, and talk to them. Learn each baby’s unique temperamental characteristics.
Stage 2 – Communicate to Baby
Babies smile, babble, coo, and respond more quickly to familiar adults. Babies show a definite preference for familiar people.
Continue to respond promptly to crying and calls for help or interaction to help your baby learn that he/she can really depend on you. Be sure to describe what you are doing to the baby as you do it. When you can, wait for a signal from the baby to indicate he/she is ready to be picked up, opens his/her mouth for the bottle or breast, or understands what is coming next.
Establish an arrival and departure routine for childcare or preschool now so it can be a comfort to your child in the next stage. Encourage the use of a security item or a favorite toy as support for transitions. Play peek-a-boo and other games to help your baby learn that you do reappear and come back.
Continue to respond promptly to crying and calls for help to develop the baby’s sense that the world is a responsive place.
Create a unique style of interacting with each baby that takes his/her temperament and individual schedule into consideration. In other words, preschool teachers will need to individualize their approach to each baby in response to the baby’s unique characteristics.
Childcare providers and preschool teachers should post pictures of the family in the child’s crib, in the room, and in a photo album so that parents and other important people in the child’s life can be close in times of need. Play lots of action/reaction games and fingerplays. Recite rhymes with surprises, so children can have experiences guessing what might happen.
Stage 3 – Accept Your Baby’s Response
Babies show clearly defined preferences for parents and familiar adults. Friendliness toward strangers declines. Babies use parents as a secure base and hide their heads, hold on tight, and turn away from strangers.
Accept your baby’s cool response to unfamiliar adults. Give your baby time to adjust to new people before they try to hold or interact with the baby. Stay close when a new person is around; use non-verbal cues like smiling and nodding your head if your baby decides to let the stranger approach and interact.
Allow your baby to set the pace – if he/she doesn’t want to go to a new person, respect the decision, and try again later. Explain what is going on to grandparents, friends, or relatives who do not see the baby often enough to be familiar. Let them know this is a developmental stage rather than a rejection of the person.
Tell your child every time you are leaving so that they’re alerted to your departure, never sneak out when he/she is not looking. Your baby may object but will also learn that you will do what you say and come back later.
Learn more about tips in Creating a Separation and Reunion Ritual on our Peake Academy Parent Advisor Blog
Limit the number of unfamiliar people that are in the child’s space. Let visitors say hello from the door instead of entering the preschool classroom. Always tell babies when you are leaving the classroom. Don’t sneak out for your break when the baby isn’t looking. Tell babies you are leaving and who will take care of them until you return. Help babies learn to say goodbye with lots of hugs and kisses.
Spend lots of floor time with babies as they explore and discover the environment and the world. Exploration is a marvelous distraction and can reorient the child from being upset to being interested in an activity. Give the baby lots of experiences with action/reaction toys, fingerplays, and rhymes.
Stage 4 – The Fear of the Unknown
You’ll notice that the fear of unknown or strange adults emerges. Cautious behavior of Stage 3 is replaced with clinging, crying, screaming, and fearful responses to unfamiliar adults. Babies resist any overture by unknown adults and show distress when their parents or favorite caregiver leaves their side.
Continue to tell your child goodbye every time you leave rather than sneaking out when they’re distracted. Help your baby say goodbye (even when he/she resists) with hugs and kisses and a reminder to use a security item for comfort. Always say you will be back!
Keep a consistent schedule whenever you can. Predictability is a real help during this stage. It keeps babies from getting upset before you return if you return predictably. When you are at home and your baby objects to your leaving or doing other household tasks, take a minute to hold him/her, reconnect, and talk about what you are going to do and when you will be available again.
Do your best to prepare your baby for changes. Tell him/her what will happen before your baby is surprised by the change.
Parents and preschool teachers can plan transition activities for all new experiences. This will help prepare babies to accept new things by letting them know what is coming and what will happen.
As parents, we want what is best for our children, no matter what. Sometimes, though, we are at a loss for what to do. When our children feel anxiety, depression, or any mental health challenges, we often feel the most frustration. Helping others with these difficulties is even harder when they are children because it is not always easy to articulate emotions. Find out more about the Type and Symptoms of Anxiety in Children on our Parent Advisor Blog.
If you’re dealing with separation and stranger anxiety with your baby, feel free to read more blogs at Peake Academy and Play Boutique websites or Join our Parent Advisor private Facebook group to connect with other parents who’ve experienced this development stage in parenting.