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Children's tantrums are no fun to deal with! This common occurrence with children can happen at any age. You’ve probably seen a temper tantrum at home, in a local store, at preschool, or at a childcare center. The screaming child, an embarrassed and frustrated parent, unsuccessful attempts to make the tantrum stop!

This is an all too common situation for parents, especially during the toddler years. As infants move toward toddlerhood, they struggle to develop a sense of themselves as separate from their parents. This process, called differentiation, actually starts at birth and lasts well into young adulthood. It is the process of becoming a separate and successful individual. Few parents view this process as a positive one, for it seems to present many difficulties.

The first step in differentiation is related to control. Who is in charge of me, my body, and my emotions? Early in your child’s life, you were in charge. Now, you want your child to begin to take charge of some of his/her own behaviors. Development drives your child to do the same – experiment with when he/she can take charge. This process of transferring some responsibility for control usually results in children losing exactly what you are striving to help them achieve – control!

When toddlers feel angry, frustrated, or helpless, they may kick, scream, and flop on the ground. Tantrums are a normal, natural, and inevitable part of growing up. That does not make them fun. We highly advise you to make a plan now for how you will handle temper tantrums when your child begins to throw a tantrum.

The first step of the plan is preventive in nature. Help your child have some control over his/her life. Find ways your child can practice and demonstrate emerging competence and emerging control over his/her own life.

Untitled design - 2021-05-13T001159.690 (1).png — Start Small

One way to start reducing tantrums is to give your toddler some independence. You could start small by having your toddler choose what he/she wants to wear out of a few selections you chose. Another option is to have your toddler choose between two breakfast selections and even select his/her own security item to take to preschool.
Providing toddlers with choices gives them experience with making decisions and having them turn out successfully. This experience is crucial in helping toddlers make good choices about whether or not to throw a temper tantrum.

Untitled design - 2021-05-13T001708.542 (1).png — Reward Positive Independence

Make sure to reward appropriate progress in taking charge. When your child shows competence in getting in or out of the car, carrying his/her own backpack into school or out to the car, eating with a spoon or fork, or pulling on his/her own socks, reward these early attempts at independence and self-control with lots of hugs, kisses, and compliments.

Untitled design - 2021-05-13T002216.469 (1).png — Make an Out-Of-Control Spot

Pick a place to be the out-of-control-place in your house. This location is where all tantrums will take place. Make sure the tantrum place is safe. Then plan to take your child to the special tantrum place when he/she is out of control. Make sure to say calmly to your child throwing a temper tantrum that he/she is free to stay out of control as long as he/she likes. This is all part of learning that they can take charge of their own behavior. Choosing whether they want to scream for an hour or ten minutes while standing in the out-of-control place in the house, is certainly taking charge of their own behavior!

Untitled design - 2021-05-13T002722.232 (1).png — Always Follow Through

It is important to follow through with your response to tantrums. If children get attention from tantrums, they will last much longer than if they have no audience. Removing yourself as an audience quickly and calmly when tantrums occur is the best thing you can do to lessen the frequency of temper tantrums.

Untitled design - 2021-05-13T003039.155 (1).png — Handling Tantrums in Public

If you are in a public place, you will have a decision to make. The best thing to do is to stop what you are doing and take the child home to the out-of-control spot in your house to calm down. Handling this behavior quickly will prevent your child from learning that you can’t control him/her or are intimidated by controlling your child in public. You won’t have to do this too many times before your toddler gets the message that you mean business about staying under control in public.

When a tantrum is over, it’s over. Accept the child back into family life as if nothing has happened. Avoid the temptation to lecture or threaten after a tantrum is over. A casual statement like “I’m glad Johnny is back under control” is all that is needed.

Temper tantrums are a develop-mentally normal step in developing into a competent, capable, child. As frustrating as they can be for parents, a calm, confident approach will go a long way in preventing this stage from lasting very long.

Visit our Parent Advisor and The Buzz Blogs to learn more about related topics and parenting tips. You are welcome to join our private Parent Advisor Facebook group. It’s a growing community of parents and preschool teachers where you can learn and share more parenting tips.

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